Oh the aggravation.

So new man came into my life and so far its been rocky. Theres another girl hes over friendly with and it bugs the living hell outta me.

a letter that you will never read.

Dearest Drew. I've been taught to not hate people but honestly I'm 99% sure I hate you. You've spent the last year and three months making my life a roller coaster. One day you were my best friend the next you were the love of my life and then a day later you couldn't be bothered to even say hello. Twice now you've said you didn't want a relationship with me and days later started dating someone you barely knew. Because of you I know truly know what it's like to have my heart ripped out of my chest. As I write this I have tears streaming down my face. No one has ever hurt me this badly. I really did love you and deep down part of the time it seemed like you loved me too, but I guess I was stupid and blind to the fact you used me as a convenient person to have around when you were lonely and wanted someone there. I regret that I fell in love with you I wish I never had because I would have saved myself thousands of tears over some silly boy. no longer with love Amber.

is it possible to spend too much time together?

Is it possible that he and I are spending to much time together? I do love spending time with him, I am at his house more than I'm at my own, but things are just not there anymore it seems. He doesn't even touch me when we sleep anymore. Is this what people on the verge of divorce go threw? night after night of just laying there next to someone you care about more than you should and they be a total stranger?

I've made a few mistakes in my life some big some HUGE but now I'm tron between the mistakes. I love him so much but he went threw my phone and found out I had been seeing someone else as well. What did he expect he doesn't want the commitment just because he didn't take advantage of that clause doesn't mean I wouldn't. I was getting what was missing with him from someone else, and now I have to chose. The happiness I have with the man I love knowing he wants the benefits of a relationship with out the sex or the relationship it's the most complicated confusing thing ever and I'm to the point I want to scream at him why the hell wont you love me, Or the amazing physical connection I have with the other guy. I can't have a relationship with him either but he does give me what I want and have been missing for a while, but I can't keep going on only seeing him once every two months or so and having to be a secret and keep everything hush hush because so many people disagree with the situation, it's all just super aggravating. So here I am stuck between a rock and a hard place love or sex always seems to be the problem is it really supposed to be this hard to have both? Why can't all the pieces fall into place and I have both without the disgusted feeling I have with myself. I want him to want the relationship with me and stop telling my friends he wont have sex with me because hes afraid I'll get to clingy. He sure as flip had no problem taking my virginity now it seems like since he has that he doesn't really want me around. He spent hours reassuring me it's not like that but deep down I think he just said that to make me happy and to shut me up. I'm actually starting to feel unwanted and unattractive with this whole situation. I'm not an ugly woman by any means yeah I'm not a super model but I'm not an ugly duckling either and I'm not trying to be conceded when I say that. So her I am super frustrated again and he doesn't get it he never does. Neither one of them gets the situation they put me in or the stress I'm having to sort threw with all of this. Between these things and all the stress at work I'm starting to believe I won't be making it to 23 which is actually 23 days away wooohoo, too bad I'll be working then as for every other weekend till god knows when.

I really really miss you.

Not everything in life is about love between a man and a woman it can be many types of thing. Right now my love is for parts of my family who I have not been able to see in a while because of my selfish bitch of an aunt, but karma came back and got her in the butt. I was looking threw facebook pictures of my beautiful baby cousin how can such a lil person make me cry everytime I think of her. No matter what my mood was she always did something that made me smile. I miss watching Dora and the backyardigans with my lil lovebug I really need to see her again I miss that little girl more than anything.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

I'm not the type of girl that falls in love after two weeks of knowing someone, it has taken me well over a year to fall in love with him. A year that's been full of crazy ups and downs. I'll be the first to admit it's not perfect nothing is ever perfect but what we have is currently working for us. Last august I was set up on a blind date with the first man I've ever loved the first man to not walk out of my life when it'ts been convenient for him, the man I lost my virginity to and honestly I would not have it any other way. This man is truly the only man that has enough of me to actually break my heart. I learned at a young age men will do whats best for them. He is very much a man and still does whats best for him but he cares enough to make sure it't not something that will end up hurting me. There has been so many times hes told me he doesn't want to hurt me this man is the only person that really cares about me, any time I'm sick he's always the only one that asks how I'm doing. I have fallen in love and I hope I don't end up broken.